Narcissistic families: factories of emotional suffering.
modafinil buy online australia п»їNarcissistic families are real spider webs. In them, some of their members, especially children, get caught in the threads of emotional suffering. In these dynamics there is always someone who puts his or her own needs before those of the rest, thus erecting absolute power. This power, in many cases, serves to boycott and manipulate with a single purpose: to be nurtured, recognized and validated at all levels.
Those who have grown up in a dysfunctional environment with this type of characteristics usually coincide when reflecting a reality: "from the outside everyone thought my family was perfect, but from the inside we lived in hell". It is not easy to get out of these situations, and although these types of bonds often have their own fingerprints and particularities, we could say that in essence, narcissistic families share several points in common.
The most characteristic is undoubtedly the existence of a set of very specific unspoken rules that grow within these toxic and, above all, pathological homes. They are rules that are raised around one person and where the rest are vetoed any right, any recognition. Thus, it is common for children to lack emotional access to their parents, to be ignored and subjected to silent and permanent mistreatment.
On the other hand, it is very common for all these types of dynamics to be silenced forever in the branches of our family tree. In fact, when the child who has become an adult finally manages to leave this denigrating environment, it is common for the father, the mother or both to label the child as a "bad child" for abandoning them, for daring to sever this bond.
The child who lives or has lived in the bosom of a narcissistic family does not have an easy time proving the abuse suffered, the emotional deficiency or the psychological aggravation suffered. In the eyes of others, theirs was a perfect family...
Narcissistic families and "scapegoats "Sara is 20 years old and is studying psychology. She has not lived with her parents for a year and now, from a distance, she is trying to rebuild her life. To take perspective and reconstruct internal fragments in order to overcome the past and try to move forward. Hers, her wound, is focused on the narcissistic family she grew up in, where the power play was shared by both parents.
Her father suffered from some kind of personality disorder. She knows this now thanks to her studies; however, no one ever dared to recommend that she go to a professional, that she ask for help. She did not do so because the context in which she lived made her possible narcissistic disorder tremendously functional. The reason? Her mother was the instrumental piece, but also another victim, someone who gave in to her every need and who was never able to set any limits.
Sara, on the other hand, was the "scapegoat", she was the projection screen of a narcissistic father, the receptacle of his frustrations, failures and anger. Her older sister, however, was the "golden child", that is, that figure that the narcissist uses to mold her in his own image and who, for some reason, he considered to be endowed with better talents than Sara; the situation affected her so much that she came to think that there was something "defective" in her.
However, it must be said that although the "scapegoat" bears the brunt in narcissistic families, the "golden child" is not in a better position either. Such high expectations are placed on him or her that suffering is also more than guaranteed.
Common Dynamics in Narcissistic FamiliesDrawing the portrait, we can assume that it is not an easy task to get out of these environments. It is not because the fact of having grown up in them means having integrated many mandates, many schemes and destructive rhetoric that create a considerable impact on the child's mind. These would be some of those dynamics.
Your family is the best, don't tell the outside world what is going on. The narcissistic family is very image-conscious. In fact, one of their most repeated messages is that "we have no problems, we are a perfect family".
Parental dysfunctions. If in a normal family, the objective of the parents is to emotionally nurture the children, to offer them security, affection and education, in narcissistic families the children have only one obligation: to nurture the parents.
Lack of effective communication. This is very characteristic. The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is triangulation. That is, the information is never direct and a clear passive-aggressive behavior based on tension and distrust is applied. For example, in the case of Sara, our protagonist, every order, wish or comment issued by her father will reach her through her mother, who will act as an intermediary and will use all her efforts to get Sara to obey.
How to get out of an environment shaped by a narcissistic familyMark Twain wrote, in his book Huckleberry Finn, that we do not have to define ourselves by the wounds suffered by our family systems. In a corner of our heart there is always a piece of our own being that remains as "optimistic" as it is vital, and that should allow us to run from "absolute nothingness" to happiness.
To achieve this, to get out of the barren and poisonous environment of narcissistic families, it never hurts to reflect on these dimensions.
Understand that someone with a history of narcissistic behavior is not likely to change easily. However, there are therapies for this, but very few take the step to admit that there is something wrong with them.
Let's try not to feel guilty about what our narcissistic family members may or may not do. Let's put enough cognitive protections in place so that we don't reach the point that Sara reached, and come to think that there is something "not right about us."
Talking about your emotions or how you feel is useless in front of a narcissist, it is useless. We may get hurt even more. Therefore, we will limit ourselves to using phrases such as "I understand what you are saying, but I will not allow you to...", "You must understand that you do not have the right to...", "I ask that from now on...". We must set limits with assertiveness.
Look for allies in your family or in your social environment, people who can understand and support you.
Put distance from the narcissistic family. Now, putting distance does not always mean breaking all ties, but rather being clear about what situations we can handle, what we can tolerate or how often we will see them.
To conclude, living in an environment where emotional principles are distorted is neither healthy nor tolerable, even less so if in that dysfunctional context there are children. Most often, when they become adults, they are incapable of saying "no" or of understanding that they have every right to set limits, to say out loud what they want, what they need and what they will not tolerate.
So let's keep this information in mind.
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